This week we launch a new series of newsletters focused on the importance of building curiosity in the first five years.

The school where I was teaching sat at the edge of a neighborhood that was still being built. Farm fields across the street. A gravel road out front. One of my students lived on a working farm just down the road. When Bobby and Gracie arrived I eventually followed a babysitter into that same neighborhood and we became the last house on the street with nothing but open empty lots next to us for years.

In the meantime, the empty fields were a heavenly place for letting my children roam and explore. Feet in the grass. Laughter. It was a bit like something out of a movie, honestly. I hit the dollar store and invested in butterfly nets. The kids observed, hunted, and chased the butterflies. When caught we celebrated and we released. It was a pure, innocent, and screen free way to build curiosity about nature and the world around them. Plus, it was building gross and fine motor, emotional regulation, patience, and attention.

The empty lot became our own curiosity laboratory. When Bobby and Gracie pointed at the butterflies, I responded with genuine engagement, discussing the butterflies, asking them questions. Little did we know, we were building not just language but the neural architecture for inquiry itself.

I did not have a phone to scroll while they chased butterflies. You might. The butterfly nets are still at the dollar store. The empty lot is wherever you can find one. A backyard. A park. A patch of grass between two buildings. It does not have to be perfect. It just has to be screen free and outside.

This week, Gracie is headed to Edinburgh, Scotland. Want to know why? She’s co-writer, co-creator, co-producer of the show Deep Fake which was accepted into the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. It is a big deal because it is widely considered the largest and most prestigious arts festival in the world. The show is being performed multiple times each day August 6-30. As of August 2nd, it was sold out. It was also performed to sold out shows at the Denver Fringe Festival, the Philly Fringe Festival, and La Jolla Playhouse’s WOW Festival.

In fact, she started a theatre company whose mission is “to bring the rapid innovation of the tech world into live theater to engage audiences with new forms, new technologies, and new questions. We seek to make works that are contemporary and contingent: they work because the tech is possible, and because the audience is present.”

She graduated from Stanford with a major in Management Science and Engineering and Theatre and Performing Studies. By day she is product lead at a data company and by night she is starting theatre companies and selling out shows globally. Technology and storytelling. Engineering and performance. It is all of her at once. The curiosity she built chasing butterflies in an empty lot in suburban Kansas City became the habit of inquiry that drives everything she creates now. I cannot help but think that the neural architecture we were building with butterfly nets in that field had something to do with it. If you chase the butterfly with them now you build the curiosity that carries them further than you can imagine. If you build curiosity in the first five years through exploration and wonder, the results compound in ways you cannot predict and cannot manufacture later.

Your turn. Name one thing you are doing this week to build curiosity in your child. No judgment. No wrong answers. Just one thing. Hit reply and tell me.

If I were you reading the first five newsletter, I’d probably have some questions. Dr. Kari, your first five years with your kids were a long time ago. Does this info really even apply to today? You did this before you had screens in your pockets; can you relate to me? Would it be better for me to lean into advice from someone who’s in the thick of it? You say this is based on brain research but really how do you know this If/Then approach really works?

Honestly, if I were you, I think I’d wanna see my receipts.

You’re right there’s a lot of folks sharing parenting ideas that are in the midst of parenting kids during the first five years. Their insights are wildly valid, and very modern. But what they don’t have is compounded interest. They don’t have the ability to look in the rearview mirror and connect the dots between very intentional brain based researched parenting principles, and the outcome of those strategies. I do. And it just so happens that today is my oldest child’s 30th birthday! So it seems like the perfect opportunity to take a closer look at how my investment in his first five years played out as he grew from a baby to a toddler to a boy to a teenager and to a man. It’s my way of giving you hope this brain based research stuff works. Limiting screen time works.

Bobby’s first five years were approached like a lesson plan anchored to brain based research. Classical music connected to mathematical reasoning. Foreign language tapes connected to linguistic flexibility. Open fields and butterfly nets connected to curiosity and pattern recognition. Free library story hour, the local children’s museum, time outdoors in nature, consistent bed times, and enough structure to feel secure.

There were early indications that the brain based parenting strategies were paying off: the detail in his artwork in elementary school, the focus with which he collaborated on completing 1000 piece puzzles with grandpa, his uncanny early ability to memorize sports statistics, his early commitment to setting records solving a Rubik’s cube.

The proof of concept continued into middle school and high school. Bobby is the kid that earned more Scout merit badges than were required, and achieved Eagle years before the average age. He’s the kid who easily learned piano and the percussion and learned guitar by ear.

In high school Bobby decided he was going to get into a top university. Long before he coined the term Brute Force he tackled that goal with his full force. He enrolled in many AP courses, and submitted custom applications to 16 schools. Bobby ultimately chose to go to the University of Pennsylvania, part of the Ivy League.

An Ivy League acceptance would be enough for most people. Bobby did not stop there. Bobby was admitted as a Ben Franklin‘s honor student in the liberal arts college. He transferred into Wharton and ultimately graduated with summa cum laude degrees in economics and philosophy. He was even uniquely recognized during graduation ceremonies for his outstanding performance.

The classical music, puzzles, and blocks intentionally included in those first five years to build mathematical reasoning. They worked. His finance career has included investment banking, private equity, and an MBA from the top ranked Booth Business School at the University of Chicago. He now works in distressed debt in New York. The kid who inspired a newsletter about receipts grew up to spend his days reviewing them professionally. I could not have planned that if I tried.

He’s hiked Mt. Kilimanjaro, run a marathon, reads over 30 books a year, and is perfectly comfortable sitting in quiet. He’s ambitious but not boastful (he’ll likely be horrified by this post).

You are right to question my insight into the first five years. You are right to question whether my If/Then strategies represent causation or correlation. I cannot prove causation. What I can show you is thirty years of compounding results from intentional brain based parenting in the first five years. The results speak for themselves.

The short and very exciting promise is that this works. You only get one shot at the first five years and no one else is going to take them as intentionally as you. I know it is hard to put down the screen when the going gets rough. But your kid is counting on you. Bobby is why I am so passionate about this project. He is my proof of concept. And he is my reminder that the intentional choices you make in these early years compound into something you cannot yet imagine.

Happy 30th to Bobby!

Our celebratory hug pic from his UPenn graduation.

This is the third and final issue in our Ba Dum Dee Dum music chapter. If you are just joining us, welcome. The personal story and research issues are waiting for you in the archive at drkaristubbs.substack.com

Some of my most magical parenting memories from the first five years involve music. Taking the kids to Theatre for Young America. Making makeshift instruments out of whatever was in the kitchen. Sitting on the floor at Gymboree waving the shaker together. Music is the most effective and arguably most joyful way to build multiple brain regions simultaneously in the first five years. And no screen is required. Here is what that looked like then and what it can look like for you now.

Fun fact, I’m a grandma - actually I’m a Lolli and my husband is Pop. Get it - Lollipop. <grin> So, as I recommend Try This Tuesday ideas for exposing your baby to music, I’ll draw on both my experiences with my own children over 25 years ago, and also more recent suggestions based on our grandbabies.

• Birth to six months: Your newborn benefits from music, and we recently stumbled upon the most adorable gift while filling Easter baskets. It’s a bunny stuffed animal with buttons in its feet. You can squeeze one foot, and the bunny plays Peek-a-Boo by covering its eyes with its ears. Squeezing the other foot results in the bunny singing a song. Both grandbabies love it, but our grandson, Grayson, who is currently in this under 6 months age window is completely obsessed. Who knew that a singing stuffed animal could spark such curiosity?
  

  Lullaby walks are another simple way to keep your sanity, bring peace to new parent chaos, and expose your baby to music. It is simple and free. Walk with your baby in a carrier or stroller while singing the same song every day. The repetition of the same melody builds musical memory and the physical rhythm of walking combined with the rhythm of the song fires multiple brain circuits simultaneously. And it doesn’t matter whether you sing the ABCs, Taylor Swift’s newest hit, or a country classic.

• Six to twelve months: Our oldest grandbaby is Oakley, and for her first birthday, I was on the hunt for the perfect gift. I consulted with my fellow super-grandmas. They recommended the most fun, engaging, and screen free idea to bring music into our little girl’s world. It’s called a Tonie Box. Have you heard of it? It’s essentially a box, and you can choose age appropriate figurine toppers for the box. When the child puts the figurine onto the box, a specific themed set of songs will play - songs about bugs, counting sounds, songs designed for dancing, and more. We have had so much fun watching the awe and wonder with which Oakley has embraced dance with her box. The look on Oakley's face when the music starts is worth every penny. What’s even more exciting is that you can often find Tonie Boxes and the characters at a discount at places like Costco and Homegoods. Oakley’s Tonies box figurine collection has grown right alongside her with age band recommendations.

  This is also the age I started taking Bobby and Gracie to Gymboree and Kindermusik classes. It is a beautiful way to create serve and return with a beat surrounded by other children.

• Twelve to twenty four months: Something shifts around twelve months that makes music even more powerful than before. Rhythm exploration and instrument play fire motor, auditory, and emotional brain circuits all at once right now in ways that directly connect to numeracy and mathematical thinking. When Bobby and Gracie were this age we spent a lot of time at our children’s museum - Wonderscope - in Kansas City. Wonderscope had dedicated rooms filled with instruments - so music was tactile, social, and completely screen free. Picture a room full of children exploring instruments together. If you aren’t in Kansas City, I encourage you to look for the equivalent children’s museum in your city. Memberships were reasonable, and we visited regularly.

  Kids in this age group think that they are hilarious. They think that you are hilarious! And they also think that playing a musical freeze dance is hilarious! It’s a slight twist on a dance party because it introduces a rule. Music plays and everyone dances. Music stops and everyone freezes. It builds attention, listening, and self regulation alongside the musical brain pathways. No equipment needed beyond whatever music is already on your phone.

  One final screen free idea for this age group is musical books. There are also a host of sing-a-long books that come with a musical instrument like small drums or maracas and books that have built in sound buttons. You can find them at your local toy store or check them out for free from a library.

  Lastly, nearly every public library in the country also has a free weekly music and movement program for babies and toddlers. Worth a quick search in your city. And if you are nervous to go alone grab a fellow new parent friend and go together.

• Two to five years: This is a great time to begin to introduce formal music lessons. The research shows documented connections to mathematical thinking, spatial reasoning, and language development and it also serves as great school prep. Kids learn to collaborate with a teacher, read music, and keep a beat.

  Another fun and free activity for this group is to enjoy music at local festivals. My favorite annual fall tradition is the Country Club Plaza Art Fair each September. While focusing on visual arts, the fair has multiple stages as well as a children’s area set up for the duration of the weekend. Lingering, enjoying, and sharing the music is another free way to create serve and return with a beat moments for your child under five. These types of festivals are happening in most cities throughout spring, summer, and fall.

Every one of these activities has one thing in common. They all require you to put your phone down and show up. That is the whole thesis of The First Five: Before Screens in one Tuesday afternoon.

As I round out this issue I am smiling thinking about grandbaby Oakley dancing with a fellow toddler at this summer's World Cup FIFA live music events. Her boogie bottom. Her hands pointing in every direction. The pure joy with which she savored every single beat. That image is the whole point of The First Five: Before Screens. I’m genuinely excited for you to prioritize making music with your baby! Bobby’s in finance, and Gracie majored in engineering. I have to think that my emphasis on the importance of music that I learned during my elementary school professional development paid strong dividends over the past 30 years.

Which of these ways to create a serve and return with a beat will you try out this week? Hit reply and tell me. I read every reply and I genuinely want to know.

Last week I shared what music looked like in our home. This week I want to tell you what was actually happening in your baby’s brain while the pots and pans were banging by focusing on the connection to research. Next week I’ll post ideas for Try This Tuesday so you can make a plan for bringing music into your parenting toolbox. I know it’s hard to parent without screens, so I’ll include simple, low cost screen free activities.

I grew up listening to Free to Be You and Me by Marlo Thomas and Really Rosie by Carole King on repeat. Literally. A Alligators All Around. B Bursting Balloons. C Catching Colds. D Doing Dishes. E Entertaining Elephants. Yes I am typing from memory from my own first five years. The little plastic record player on the 70s navy carpet in my bedroom. I would sit on my floor, clutch the album insert, and sing my heart out and while reading the words to the songs. The lyrics had beautiful messages about acceptance and love, not to mention fun connections to the ABCs. I was truly a terrible singer. My older brother made that abundantly clear. But I believe my own early obsession with those albums planted the seed for what became a genuine fascination with the research on music and brain development.

And that fascination was fully ignited during a professional development session while I was pregnant with Bobby. Mathematical ability connected to music? As a teacher who minored in mathematics, I was genuinely not expecting that connection.

I did not grow up listening to classical music, but my dad did play the saxophone and we had an enormous dining room cabinet sized speaker behind our shag rug that frequently played jazz. So when the research pointed to what was then called the Mozart Effect, the theory that classical music specifically held the keys to rapid brain development, I believe that I was already primed to believe it. So I tuned into Mozart, Bach, and Vivaldi while my own children were in the womb, during playtime, during bath time, and yes even in the car.

That theory has since been re-examined and largely disproven. The honest update is this. It was never the genre - classical music or bust. It was the interaction. The serve and return of music making with another human being that made all the difference. Not classical specifically. So enjoy whatever music you are into - country, hip hop, latin - just enjoy it together!

I parented without a screen in my pocket. I am empathetic that you are parenting with one there at all times. But when it comes to music, why not tap your device to take you to your tunes, put your phone in your pocket, and dance with your baby rather than handing over the screen for them to watch solo. It’s important stuff - every minute you choose music over the screen is a minute your baby’s brain gets something that screen simply cannot provide.

When it comes to music and your baby’s rapidly growing brain, the research proves why that matters.

Music turns out to be one of the most powerful activators of neuroplasticity in the first five years of a child’s life. Not because of any single genre or instrument but because of what happens in a baby’s brain when music is experienced actively and interactively with another human being. The same serve and return interactions that build language pathways in your baby’s brain also build musical and mathematical ones. Every call and response between you and your baby, whether it is a word, a smile, or a beat tapped back on a wooden spoon, is wiring the brain for everything that follows. The music and math connection is one of the most surprising and most well documented findings in early childhood research. And the connections extend further still. Music and brain development are linked to language development, attention, and emotional regulation. It is serve and return with a beat.

How and when during the first five years should you expose your baby to music?

• Birth to six months: Simple humming, singing lullabies, and rhythmic rocking are already activating auditory neural pathways.

• Six to twelve months: Interactive music making with a caregiver produces measurable brain development benefits at this age more than at any other.

• Twelve to twenty four months: Rhythm exploration and instrument play become the most neurologically rich activities available. Motor, auditory, and emotional brain circuits all firing simultaneously.

• Two to five years: Formal music instruction shows documented connections to mathematical thinking, spatial reasoning, and language development.

The research around babies interacting with music is clear, so when both of my kiddos were small we participated in Gymboree music classes. It was a group parallel learning experience in which a room full of parents and their babies made music, tapped the beat, shook the shaker, played the triangle, and clapped. An updated study from the University of Washington found that babies who participated in interactive music classes with their parents at six to twelve months showed earlier and stronger brain responses to music and speech sounds than babies who did not. Note the key word - interactive. Active participation with a caregiver produced significant brain development benefits. As you pick and choose where to invest your parenting dollars, it turns out those Gymboree baby music classes are one of our best investments in their developing brains. And the research backs that up.

Here is the context worth sitting with. Common Sense Media found in 2024 that babies under age two are averaging just over an hour of screen time daily. The AAP recommends none, with the exception of video chatting with family members. I am not here to make you feel guilty about that hour. I am here to tell you what an hour of active music making with your baby builds that an hour of screen time simply cannot. The difference is not small.

“If parents do not know the value of a giggle, the value of peek a boo, the value of singing, the value of raspberries, they may not realize what they are missing when they hand their child a phone or tablet.” — The 74 Million, 2025

Those baby music classes were a powerful investment in their brain development. Every minute they spent engaging with music was a minute building pattern recognition, memorization, curiosity. As you wrestle with parenting and the modern day distractions of your phone, keep in mind that every minute your baby spends on a screen is a minute subtracted from that interactive music making. From the serve and return. From the neural pathway building that only happens through human interaction. That is not just a nice trade. That is the math that matters.

The research on music creation goes even further. When babies and toddlers actively make music, banging a drum, shaking a rattle, tapping a wooden spoon on a pot, they are firing motor, auditory, and emotional brain circuits simultaneously. Almost no other activity activates that many brain regions at once. The pots and pans in your kitchen are not just free. They are neurologically extraordinary.

As I reflect on the intention behind every dance party, every Gymboree baby music class, every pot and pan percussion session, I am proud of what we were building. But more than that I am grateful I knew why it mattered. You know now too. And that knowledge changes everything about how you spend the next hour with your baby.

Finding screen time alternatives and screen free activities for babies that actually build their brains is one of the hardest parts of parenting in the first five years. Music might be your most powerful and most joyful answer.

So this week. Is there a moment where you can make music with your baby? Pots and pans. A wooden spoon. Singing and dancing. Serve and return with a beat. Hit reply and tell me. I read every single response and I genuinely want to know. And next week, I’ll share screen free activities for your babies!

Picture your favorite dance party. Do you have an emotional response? How old were you? What music was popular at the time? Where were you? Do you remember how you felt? Can you still sense the human connection? The sounds? The snacks!

When my kids were about two and three, we started a fun family tradition - dance parties! We re-created that same energy that you just felt reflecting on your favorite memory! But in the kid version, the music we cranked was often a blend of kid songs and pop tunes. Gracie was known for setting out snacks - usually chips and salsa - and we’d laugh and boogie! You’ve seen two year olds dance, right? It doesn’t get much cuter! As you are tackling the riddle of replacing screen time, this toddler dance party activity can actually include your phone just minus the screen. When your toddler hits the bopping stage, connect your phone to your stereo system, turn on the music, and then set the phone down. It’s an off screen way to engage with your kids.

It is serve and return with a beat.

If you or your kids are having a hard day, it’s sure to turn the frown upside down, too! This is one of the simplest and most joyful screen free activities for toddlers and it costs nothing.

Do you know what these dance parties do for your child’s brain? There’s actually a surprising connection between math and music and dance parties aren’t the only way to support it!

In fact, long before these dance parties I learned about the surprising connection between music and math while still pregnant with Bobby. The day after we covered this topic in professional development, I happened to have a speaking engagement in a school district five hours away. After loading my large belly into the driver’s seat, I intentionally decided to ditch the usual No Doubt, Hootie and the Blowfish, and Boyz II Men songs for classical music. It was a slightly slow moving playlist for me, but I was determined to expose Bobby to everything possible, even before his arrival. In transparency, I would have preferred five hours of No Doubt. Was I secretly hoping to raise the next Yo-Yo Ma? No. I just wanted to start building his brain before he even arrived.

Music was built into our family routine. It was a trick I’d learned from the classroom, actually. Music really does tame the savage beast, and also a room filled with rambunctious third graders. So I regularly played classical and jazz for my students. When my own children arrived, I brought the routine and rhythm into my home. I’d learned about the connection to brain development, but equally provocative was the uncanny guaranteed ability music had to bring peace to the chaos. Gracie crying because she got a boo boo? Bobby frustrated because Gracie took too much red finger paint? Classical or jazz music - trust me - it lifts the energy of a room instantly. My dad played the saxophone in high school, and I grew up in a household with a large stereo that was known for playing jazz. So in addition to the brain development benefits, I knew it just felt good.

Opportunities to bring music into your daily routine are nearly limitless and also nearly free. When peace isn’t the goal, the free instruments in your kitchen are also some of the best sensory play and fine motor activities available to your baby. I’m talking about the Tupperware containers, pots and pans, and wooden spoons. I regularly sat on the floor with my kids, we counted the beat, we banged out patterns, noisy and untalented and messy serve and return. And we built brains. No screens needed.

Formal music lessons started when the kids were still infants. We loved our Gymboree music classes. In fact this week when I told Gracie I was writing about those music classes, she immediately had a vivid recollection of walking down the stairs to the church basement where the class was held.

Seriously, how can she remember experiences as a two year old? She has a super human brain.

As the kids got a bit older, music lessons transitioned to the family hand-me-down piano. The bench is still covered with scratch marks from the brads on my jeans when I was a child of the 70s, but it was the perfect in-home opportunity to learn. I paid the music teacher from my school to come over for lessons. Both kids also performed in her recitals, showcasing their budding talents and developing their confidence. Today’s equivalent might be a piano lesson at your local music store - but still no screen needed. Part of the experience is touching the piano keys, feeling the sensation of clicking, struggling to make sense of the music notes on the paper.

By early elementary school, Bobby was learning to play the guitar with yet another district teacher who taught him to play by ear, and that was followed with percussion, which is one of the noisiest instruments you can pursue with music. Luckily, the drum set didn’t follow him home for evening practices. Gracie’s music prowess turned toward the stage, regularly joining church musicals and school performances.

Every minute your child spends dancing to music, banging on pots and pans, or learning a piano chord is a minute subtracted from screen time and added to brain development. That is not just a nice trade. That is the math that matters. Because every note, every rhythm, every beat was building the exact brain infrastructure for mathematical thinking for my own kids, and it will do the same for yours. Not musicians. Mathematicians.

I invested in all of this early exposure to music to build their developing brains. I did not see the side benefit of college trivia night domination coming. At UPenn, Bobby and his frat brothers started competing weekly. I didn’t realize how competitive they were until he returned for a winter break determined to Brute Force the music of the 80s and 90s. And while we had fun, innocent dance parties and enjoyed music around our home, Bobby certainly wasn’t raised by musicians, we didn’t regularly attend music concerts, and I was nearly clueless about pop culture. But there were other benefits that arose from having a parent who prioritized cognitive development and an appreciation for music. Bobby grew up knowing that by tackling challenges with Brute Force, he could out work, out memorize, and out perform any of his peers. So we spent the holidays listening to songs, guessing the song title and artist. Mmm bop, ba duba dop, ba du bop, ba duba dop... “Mmmbop,” Hanson. Other members of his trivia team were Brute Forcing other key topics over their breaks too, so upon return they were trivia beasts.

Gracie’s path from church musicals to Stanford stages to a semester in New York at one of the most prestigious theatre programs in the country traces back to a little girl who set out chips and salsa and cranked the music in our living room.

Finding screen time alternatives that actually work is one of the hardest parts of parenting in the first five years. But music might be your most powerful and most joyful one. Every dance party, every pot and pan percussion session, every Gymboree class is screen free parenting in its most natural form. It was through curiosity, discovery, and just sitting with music that the most important brain building happened for my children. It will for yours too.

Next week, we’ll dig into the research issue: what was actually happening in their brains while the pots and pans were banging, and why it mattered more than I knew at the time.

The last few weeks we zoomed in on the first year of your baby’s life, and starting next we will zoom back out to the first five years and switch gears to the role of music in shaping your baby. This week, however, I want to pause. I am writing these newsletters in part to gather your feedback before this becomes a book. This week the best feedback came from an unexpected source. Gracie herself.

I was being a bit cautious in my thoughts on the role of screens during the first five years of a baby’s life. That is in large part because I am an edtech executive, and do believe that screens can play a positive role when used mindfully in the learning process in formal learning years. But based on the research, they do not add to brain development in these early years when your baby’s brain is growing the most rapidly. During these years, baby brains need human interaction and repeated opportunities to explore their three dimensional world. Screens support parental survival - I’m sympathetic to that - but they do not help your baby grow into a smart and emotionally resilient child. The early childhood directors I sit with regularly describe children arriving at kindergarten who cannot sit still for a story. Children who have never learned to wait. Children whose attention span peaks at the length of a YouTube short. The first five years are where it starts.

When I was raising Bobby and Gracie, the screen fighting for my attention and offering me survival in parenting moments of need was a single large screen hung to the wall in our family room. And though I was very intentional in limiting the amount of time my children watched Barney, Sesame Street, and Blue’s Clues, it was impossible to turn it off completely. Therefore, I am genuinely empathetic to how challenging it must be for new parents today to raise a baby when there is a portable screen on your person at all times. When you are at a restaurant and just want 10 minutes of adult conversation, you can grab your screen. When you are in the checkout line at the grocery store and need 5 minutes, the iPad comes to the rescue. When it’s time to get ready for work or cook dinner, the screen on the wall can help. I feel you. I see you. But I still want to challenge you. At one million neural connections per second in your baby’s brain the first five years, and growing research about how screen time threatens brain development, I encourage you to pause and evaluate. Every minute your baby spends on a screen is a minute subtracted from human interaction, exploration, and serve and return. It is not just the addition of screens that matters. It is the subtraction of everything else. This newsletter will challenge you to pick your moments. And it will give you concrete alternatives for the ones you are willing to replace.

I’ve been sharing my parenting stories so that you can see the concrete connection between choices I made during the first five years of my children’s lives to how these decisions played out in their development. But I was missing an important piece to those stories. You are raising your baby during a completely different cultural moment than when I did. You have the temptation of screens all around you at all times. I’ll do better with providing current concrete screen alternatives as you wrestle with putting down the phone.

The old adage is sleep when the baby sleeps. In today's world I would add one more. When your baby is awake put your phone away.

Gracie’s feedback was sharp and it landed. I would love your feedback too. Where are you stubbing your toe on parenting during the first five years? When is it hardest to put your phone down? How can I help? I bring a unique solutions perspective through my experiences as a PhD, parent, and school district partner.

If you know someone in the thick of the first five years who needs to hear that putting down the screen is possible and worth it please share this with them today.

And one more thing. What do you think of the updated title, The First Five: Before Screens? Let me know with a thumbs up, thumbs down, or comment.

Next week we return to our regular schedule with the first Ba Dum Dee Dum music issue. See you Tuesday.

Would a hand hug make you feel better?

When Bobby and Gracie were little, we invented a tender way to offer a nonverbal reassurance. It started in the car when one of the kids was upset, and I couldn’t pull over to hold them. It was as simple as my hand holding theirs and giving it a gentle squeeze.

If one kiddo was upset with the other - a Hand Hug. If they were worried about the weather - a Hand Hug. Simply upset for no reason - a Hand Hug.

This sweet serve and return will make both you and your baby feel better.

This week’s Try This Tuesday - give a hand hug a try! It works in the car, the bath, at the store, any time your baby needs a lift.

My babies spent a lot of time in the car during their first year. I had a 30 minute commute to my elementary school. Armed with the knowledge that my babies’ brains were firing one million neural connections per second, every single second of the first year, I knew that I couldn’t just buckle them in and drive.

During each baby’ rear-facing era, I hung a set of abstract black and white prints for them to look at. I distinctly remember Bobby in his forward facing car seat looking over at Gracie, buckled in rear facing, and talking to her about the pictures. A darling serve and return. The images themselves were an easy way to stimulate my newborn’s visual cortex. You can, too. Try This Tuesday - Grab or create a picture that you can hang for them to watch while they ride. Download a children’s picture, print it, and hang it on the back of the seat. Even better - download several. It’s nearly free. Play with a combination of abstract shapes and detailed pictures.

We also loved to sing in the car - The Wheels on the Buss an obvious thematic favorite. We also listened to music - - classical, jazz, country, and rock. Try It Tuesday - Radio, CD, Spotify or wherever you tune in. Use the ride in the car as an opportunity to expose your baby to a variety of listening experiences. And yes, you might also play stories in foreign languages - the modern day equivalent of my foreign language tapes. All free. All intentional. All will support their rapid growth in the first year.

After arriving home and finishing dinner, bath time is another tender routine during your baby’s first year. I recall washing Bobby and Gracie in a white baby tub with squishy blue padding. Slowly they advanced to the plastic sitting chair in the actual tub, and I would sit on the floor and play with them til their fingers and toes pruned. Regardless of phase, bath time is a beautiful opportunity for serve and return. Discuss the water temperature. Explore the bath time toys together. Blow bubbles. Draw on the tub. Engage in imaginative play with waterproof figurines who might explore the great wide sea (the tub). Sing the ABCs, play peek-a-boo, make it fun and build those brain neurons.

Bath time is also another moment in the day when a hand hug can come in handy - dad joke sorry I couldn’t resist. If your baby becomes upset while suds up, a hand hug offers a smoother transition to reassurance quickly than finding the towel, lifting them out of the water, drying them off, and engaging in a full embrace.

After bath, we always snuggled up for story time. When the kids were babies, I had a hand me down mossy green colored antique rocking chair. Tucked into their jammies, I’d sit with the baby on my lap and explore books. Pointing at the pictures in Hop on Pop, and laughing with surprise at the turn of each page. Giggling at silly Curious George, and the many antics he managed to get tangled up in. Good Night Moon - a regular favorite and natural opportunity for serve and return with every audible good night. Each book also helped Bobby and Gracie learn that the story led to the comfort and safe rhythm of sleep. I love children’s books. Do you read to your baby every night?

One million neural connections per second, every single second of the first year. What daily routine can you turn into an opportunity to build your baby’s brain?

Did you know that your baby’s brain is forming ONE MILLION new neural connections per second in the first year? Per second. At birth, her brain is about 25% of how large it will become as an adult, and by the time she turns one year old it will have grown to 75%. The rest of her brain’s growth will take an entire lifetime to complete. That’s what I’d call a BRAIN growth spurt!

The science regarding the first year makes the hairs on my arms stand on end. In the 90s when I was having children and teaching, two researchers from my alma mater, The University of Kansas, studied brain development. Hart and Risley followed over 40 families from different socioeconomic backgrounds during a child’s first three years. Then, they connected what they observed to their later academic performance. By age three, children from higher income homes had been exposed to hearing approximately 30 MILLION more words than children from low income homes. There was a direct link between IQ scores at age three to language ability at age nine and ten, to both reading comprehension and math scores in the third grade. A direct link. Perhaps more importantly, they discovered the discrepancy between the quality of words that children were exposed to during the first three years. Lower income families used language that was less conversational and more commanding, like stop or no. Higher income families asked questions, offered explanations, and interacted more actively.

I received this research as a challenge rather than a ceiling. The best news? It’s free. Zip code irrelevant. That mattered enormously to me as a teacher on a modest salary, and even more so when I soon became a single mom. Our one parent home did not need to be a predictor of my children’s future success. So, I flooded them with language and opportunities for brain development during every car ride, every bath time, and every walk around the yard. And it worked. We outsmarted the model.

Later research has taken another look at the word gap across families at different income levels. Those studies challenge the 90s research which shaped my parenting and reveal that the gap might not be as significant as originally shared. However the headline has remained the same - both quality and quantity of language from a person not a screen - is what best supports brain development during this rapidly growing window. If anything it matters more now than it did then.

In fact, the research itself inspired the title for this series of newsletters - Talk to Her. I can remember holding Gracie while cooking dinner. Unlike Bobby, she refused to hang out in the Johnny Jump Up. Also unlike Bobby, she communicated quite clearly that her preference was to face outward with my hand cradling her in front of my tummy, rather than facing backward. She’s always known how to communicate her preference for a front row seat. In this delicately balanced position, I would explain what I was making for dinner. I would talk to her about the textures, the flavors, the colors. Then I’d lift her up, make eye contact, seek her reaction, and ask for her thoughts about the menu. The research inspired this approach, including both the quantity and quality of how I asked her questions, gave explanations, and responded to her reactions. This serve and return interaction is the main way that language, cognitive development, and emotional regulation develop.

There are a few other pieces of research related to the first year of brain development that were enormously influential in my parenting. The first involves a very big vocabulary word - Neuroplasticity. It’s your baby’s brain’s ability to reorganize and form new connections in response to experiences, and it’s the highest in the first year. To put this in plain English, your baby’s brain is more moldable right now than it will ever be again. What you do with that moldability in the next twelve months is the most important parenting decision you will ever make. And it costs nothing.

Neuroplasticity comes in several flavors - in addition to those we just explored in the kitchen with Gracie. It also includes the visual cortex. One way I supported that was via a mesh drape with plastic pockets that I hung from the car seat headrest for both children to look at during car rides. Each pocket held a different abstract image. The first year, they were black and white. I changed the patterns regularly, and ultimately we progressed to color. It was an easy, research-backed way to develop their visual cortex.

The science that truly geeked me out about neuroplasticity was related to foreign languages and the little highways in the brain called dendrites. Did you know that the first three years are when those dendrites are hungriest for new language sounds? Miss that window and the native accent becomes nearly impossible to replicate. No pressure. I invested in a collection of six foreign language cassette tapes and as we commuted to my elementary school each day, looking at abstract images, my babies were also listening to rotating foreign languages.

What I love most about this research is how it played out for my two wildly different children. The newborn toys that Bobby had previously rejected were instantly Gracie’s favorites, and vice versa. Yet the same approaches of creating a language rich year one paid dividends to both. Both were introduced to French during the elementary school years, and both traveled France during high school study abroad trips. Apparently flooding a baby’s car seat with French language tapes works. Gracie is currently living in France. De rien, Gracie.

I can’t help but think about Hart and Risley’s findings and how they connect to the wild west that early childhood directors describe today. What stories would these same education leaders share with me if children arrived in a world of conversations and questions rather than screens and commands. Did Hart and Risley predict this thirty years ago?

The first year goes fast and it is more powerful than you think. Next Tuesday I am giving you exactly what to do with it.

Is there a moment in your day that could become your version of the kitchen conversation? Bath time, the car, a walk around the block? Hit reply and tell me. I read every single response and I genuinely want to know.

I’m cradling Gracie in my arms. We are exploring our backyard. I’m walking her around, looking at her to get her attention, and pointing to different objects. “What do you see, Gracie? Is that a tree? Do you see the flowers? What colors are they? It’s springtime, that’s why the flowers are blooming. And when it rained last night, it helped the flowers grow.” She’s looking curiously but doesn’t know any of the words I’m saying. “What is your favorite color? Do you like the green of the leaves on the tree, the white of the blossoms, the gray of the bark? I think my favorite is the green. I’m always amazed by how many shades of green there actually are. Can you point at the tree? Yes, that’s a tree.” Bobby walks over, and reaches up to hold my hand. He’s a part of the expanding conversation, engaging with Gracie and teaching her about the world around her.

Interactions like this in the first year are wildly important. Want to know why? Did you know that the dendrites - the little pathways in the brain - grow the most rapidly in the first twelve months before a child can even walk or talk? They shape the narrow and critical language acquisition window for your baby - so get talking.

How did this investment in language development in the first year play out in my own children? My consistent flood of language and building curiosity about the world around them, meant that at some point Gracie asked me what the word on her carseat said. It was the brand name - Century. Shortly thereafter, guess what she named her baby doll? Century! She went on to be the fastest kid in her kindergarten to master 100 sight words. When she was sick on Halloween I met Grandpa at the doctor’s office during my teaching planning period. I spelled to Grandpa, you know the trick when you have a secret language your kids haven’t mastered yet, I don’t think she’s going to be able to go to today’s class P.A.R.T.Y. She was five years old. October of kindergarten. Gracie looked up puzzled and asked “But why can’t I go to the Halloween Party?” Secret language out the door.

The day that I brought each of my children home from the hospital was filled with wonder, uncertainty, and emotions I still cannot fully name. But each time, we snuggled up on the bed. I pulled out a book, and started reading to them. Neither understood a word. When we weren’t reading, I was looking them in the eyes, and talking. Carrying on conversations as if they were already aware of language so that they felt my love. It was part of the bonding process, but also part of building their language and intellect. It’s developmentally essential.

I started my family when I was 26. I had no idea what I was doing. But I did have the benefit of having majored in education, taken my share of child development classes, and being thrown into brain based methodologies at the elementary school where I was teaching. I’ve often joked that my first child, Bobby, was a lab rat. I’m not sure if he appreciates the title, although I’m sure I’ve told him plenty of times. I knew the importance of each individual moment for his development, and I didn’t want to sacrifice any of them. And then when Gracie came along 21 months later, I continued on with my process of treating parenting as teaching.

I had learned that language acquisition was one of the best ways that I could support their immediate development. We talked during bathtime, while nursing, while playing. The ultimate goal was to flood their new world with language. And yes, those early conversations were nearly fully one directional. They clearly weren’t talking back to me yet. After weeks of this, you can imagine my pure joy when each child finally started to interact with me. A smile here and there - even if actually fueled from a gas bubble more than my hilarious chattering, it meant the world to me.

All of this interaction took different forms that were usually directly tied to their moods. When they were fussy or questioning the wisdom of a nap, I would sing. Hush Little Baby Don’t Say a Word. Happy Birthday. Whatever song I could come up with. Luckily for me this wasn’t American Idol, and neither was a harsh critic. But the singing voice was yet another way to build language and show them my unconditional love. I was making intentional choices to interact with them as much as possible, during a time when screens were anchored to the family room wall rather than in our jeans pocket. Because, yes, I raised my children in the dark ages. Even so, I was a bit ahead of the curve in being mindful of screen time for young children. Even then, we were learning the caution of screens during the first year(s).

All of this awareness matters. Language that is delivered from a human being in real time builds those tiny little brain structures. Language from a screen cannot do the same. When you talk to your child, you are adjusting to their cues, when they giggle you react, when they cry you comfort them. Screens simply cannot substitute for human connection. The language only flows one way. This first year is such a critical window toward building the architecture for language, cognition, and academic success. Prioritize it.

As I mentioned before, Bobby was accepted into UPenn and Gracie to Stanford. In Bobby’s application, he wrote in delightful detail the scenery and emotion of tackling Cupcake Hill as part of a Scouting adventure. “... I clamber onto the top and stand elated and triumphant. I raise my hands above my head. The sense of accomplishment is unimaginable. I turn my gaze to the surrounding horizon. The view is breathtaking; I can see for miles. All the exhaustive effort crystallizes into one priceless accomplishment. The feeling is surreal, and I am overwhelmed with pride and joy. Continuing to scan the scenery, I notice another, taller mountain. I cannot help it. The crazy idea is already unfolding in my head.” In Gracie’s application, she wrote of zooming in and out perspectives while exploring Africa on a safari. “Gripping the ceiling of an off-white range rover, I bounced up and down as the vehicle rambled by a towering elephant dubbed “the crazy one.” Zoom out to the city of Gatsibo. Zoom out to Akagera National Park. Zoom out to the small African country of Rwanda, seventeen hours from my home in suburban Kansas.”

Bobby taught himself guitar by ear and reads more than two books a month. He has run a marathon, wakes at 5am daily to work out, and arrives at his office in the financial district of New York before any other colleague.

The first year is extraordinary. It can at times be a moment of survival for you as a new parent, but you only get one chance to make the most of it for your baby. And it’s free to launch them toward the best version of themselves throughout their lives.

Close your eyes. Imagine you are walking your child into kindergarten to drop them off for the first day of school. You are holding your little one’s hand. *IF they will let you - ha ha - my son wouldn’t. Look around the room, and take in the space. Notice the darling little hooks for jackets; the little cubbies - labeled meticulously likely late into the night by your child’s teacher. Look at the bright colors. The rug. The books. Now turn your attention to your child and picture how they will navigate their time in this exact room, at recess, in the hallways, at lunch. What do you see?

How will they respond when they are sitting in circle time to listen to their teacher read aloud? How will they act the first time they sing a song together with a classmate or when the music teacher passes out musical instruments and they don’t get the tambourine? What will be their reaction when it’s time to walk down the hallway in single file to go to lunch or when it’s time to explore blocks at center time?

As a classroom teacher, I saw the wheels of a parent’s mind - worry, joy, hesitation, curiosity - play out hundreds of times on the first day of school before I ever experienced it as a parent. And it’s equally profound from both perspectives.

Parents take the lead on brain development and building potential during the first five years, and like a baton pass in a relay race the kindergarten teachers pick up and run from there. Yes - unfortunately the child is a baton in this analogy. Just run with it - pardon the pun. Some kids will be ahead at the time of the pass, some will be behind. Screens have dramatically altered the way in which children are showing up to school, as recent data has revealed and school practitioners have shared.

Knowing that 90 percent of brain development takes place in the first five years, how can we best position you for the baton pass? How can you raise curious, capable kids in the first five years so that they are ready? What can you do today that will directly influence how your child will react in each of these situations? I am a PhD educator who spent my career inside brain based research and raised two children through the first five years before smartphones existed, and both of them went on to graduate from Ivy League universities. That’s why I’m so passionate about the first five years because you can literally reverse engineer how your child will initiate social interactions, handle discomfort, show compassion, embrace curiosity, and so much more. It’s science– brain science.

You aren’t in this alone. I’ve done the groundwork for you, and together each week we’ll tackle little mini life lessons and experiences that you can expose your child to. And along the way, we’ll lean into brain research, to help your child blossom into the version of your child that you just imagined.

Spoiler - none of these experiences will involve a screen. Bonus- they will all be free or involve minimal expense. It doesn’t cost money to build brain development - the price is intention and purpose.

You’ve just passed the baton to your child’s kindergarten classroom. Picture the child that you’ve raised and how you hope they’ll respond. I imagine you are picturing a child who is curious, empathetic, creative, and has grit. Together, we’ll reverse engineer how to cultivate those qualities in your child, and we’ll do it all without a screen.

If you expose your child to these experiences in the first five years, then your child will show up to school ready to thrive. As we explore aptitudes to cultivate in your child, I’ll share a story from the first five years of my own children so that you can lean into a real life example. Given that my own children are now adults, it’s much easier for me to connect the dots between what I did before they were five to where they are today. I’ll sprinkle in some brain-based research since that was a driving force in my own approach to parenting, and include “Try This Tuesday” simple, cost-effective activities that you can use for a screen swap this week to build dendrites in your child’s brain.

Try this Tuesday: If you want to raise a child who exhibits compassion to other children then you might want to bake cookies for a neighbor, volunteer at a local food kitchen, or draw/write notes of appreciation to share with family members. When my own children were young, we regularly baked cookies for our senior neighbors Alene and Arthur. It was a way to build math skills, spend quality time together, it was fun, and Alene and Arthur always showered my children with appreciation when we delivered them. Brain research has a lot to say about social and emotional intelligence. Every hour a child spends with a screen is an hour not spent in face to face interaction and the serve and return exchanges with caregivers that build emotional regulation and social intelligence. This week, why not dust off that cookie sheet, choose your favorite (and easy) cookie recipe. Load up on aprons, grab chef hats if you’re really into it, and bake cookies. You might not have an Alene and Arthur to deliver them to, but you likely have a neighbor or friend who would be over the moon with joy and appreciation.

Here’s the list of newsletter editions that you can look forward to each week:

1. Talk to Her. If you look your newborn in the eyes and laugh and talk, it will be one of the strongest predictors of vocabulary, reading ability, and academic achievement years later. Not words from a screen. Words from you.

2. Ba Dum Dee Dum. If you introduce music to your child, you’ll strengthen the same pathways that are important for numeracy and also tap into creativity.

3. Chase the Butterfly. If you feed a child’s hunger to ask why before age five, you build the habit of inquiry that drives every academic and professional leap they will ever make.

4. All She Wants to Do is Read. If you ignite a thirst for story and read aloud every single day, you will unlock the foundation on which all other learning is built and raise a child who reaches for a book before they reach for a screen.

5. Build Me a Rocketship. If you fuel children with empowering moments to build and count, they’ll strengthen their numeracy muscles in ways that will pay dividends their entire lives.

6. Make a Mess. If you provide unstructured opportunities for discovery and creation, you will unlock imagination, hone fine motor skills, and empower budding self-confidence.

7. Running the Wrong Way Around the Bases. If you engage your child in physical activities, you will help them develop gross motor skills, collaboration, communication, and emotional resilience.

8. Baking Cookies for Alene and Arthur. If you provide experiences in the service of others, you’ll nurture compassion, empathy, build math skills, and maybe even inspire a future chef.

9. I’ll Have What She’s Having. If you provide opportunities to choose and communicate those choices, you will have more impact on vocabulary development and academic achievement than nearly any other activity.

10. The Puppet Show. If you create regular moments of surprise and delight that require your child to sit in wonder, then you will wire their brain with the ability to focus which is increasingly a superpower in and of itself.

11. Shh. They Think I’m Sleeping. If you let your child be bored, truly bored, for one hour a day, you will give them one of the rarest gifts of the modern age: the ability to sit with themselves.

12. Finish the Season. If a child learns that discomfort is not a reason to quit before age five, you build the follow-through that separates people who achieve hard things from people who only intend to.

13. Put It Down. If your child watches you put your phone away and be fully present, you are teaching them something no screen can teach: that the people in front of you matter more than the device in your hand.

This is issue three of an ongoing newsletter. The first explores my interest in this subject through the lens of a mother, a PhD, and a professional who works with school districts. https://drkaristubbs.substack.com/p/i-went-all-in The second issue explores the timeliness of the need to re-examine how we are approaching the first five years as a society. https://drkaristubbs.substack.com/p/the-wild-west Next week, we’ll begin to explore each of these specific themes, and for additional resources find me on Instagram at @drkaristubbs for quick video vignettes related to each week’s topic.

I’ve had conversations with three early childhood directors this week and they all shared the same insight - that kids are showing up to school with an undeniable increase in behavior needs. The labels “outbursts” and “aggression” are the exact words these directors are using. One director shared that she has a teacher on leave right now because of physical violence from a PRESCHOOL student. Let that sink in. And it’s not the first time I’ve heard of this.

A second director recently shared that for years, they received the same predictable range of academics, emotions, and behaviors in new students each year. Then pandemic hit and for a while they referenced the changing categories of children as COVID babies. However the period of face masks and minimal socialization kept getting further and further in the rearview mirror, and the needs kept increasing. That same special education director from Ohio now calls it the “wild west” because they have absolutely no idea what types of children or needs will appear at their school district’s door each year. And yes, the needs keep rising.

So, what’s the cause? There’s a clear pattern here, and we are seeing it simultaneously appear across the entire nation. It’s present in urban districts with high social economic needs. It’s happening in suburbs with their manicured lawns. And it’s also happening in rural populations. Enter the alarm bells and data claims regarding screens and screen time as a direct correlate.

When I was raising my two children in the 90s, I was mindful of limited time in front of television during my kids’ earliest years. I was ahead of the data but not ahead of my instincts. We didn’t have data at scale quite yet to prove the connection, but I was quickly learning from the brain based training at my elementary school that real life experiences were always better. I acknowledge, however, that I didn’t have the temptations of portable devices and iPhones for bringing me peace and sanity when I was out and about and would have welcomed it.

I remember vividly a time when I would have likely pulled out my own iPhone and turned on a catchy video to simply survive! I was at the grocery store with both kids. They were about three and five. I’d spent 30 minutes carefully picking out items to load into my cart - everything from fruits and vegetables to fun desserts - only to have my youngest pitch a proverbial fit. I didn’t have an iPhone that I could turn on to district her until I could make it to the checkout line. So, I made a conscious decision to abandon the cart and go home. She was furious. My oldest was confused. I was annoyed. But the message was that the fun cereal and other goodies in the cart wouldn’t be coming home with us when she couldn’t control her emotions. It was an intentional parenting decision that cost absolutely no money, but made all the difference. We tried again the next day. We made it a wild success, with lots of communication about what to select. The life lesson and intentional opportunity to try again were potent and powerful. And would have been completely missed if she and I had both survived simply by turning on the screen.

Another time I was at a Party Event store. My oldest wanted a balloon. Another meltdown happened. Guess what? No phone. No balloon either. But we did try again the next day. Guess how much different his behavior and attitude was on that second visit? Guess who left with a balloon, too?

I made these conscious decisions 25 years ago, and can look back and connect the dots between those intentional parenting choices and the adults they have become. Bobby sets his alarm at 5:00 am each day to work out and sticks to it even when he doesn’t feel like it. Gracie approaches conflict with curiosity rather than defensiveness, and isn’t afraid to initiate the hard conversations because she knows she has her emotions in check.

All parents find themselves in survival mode time and time again. It’s the very nature of the business. I understand the instinct to pull out a phone from time to time. Kids test us. We are innocently trying to raise the best possible version of them, and they don’t make it easy. But resisting the temptation to turn to a phone in time of need - why is this significant? It matters because we are preventing our children from learning how to manage their emotions, control their impulses, and behave appropriately in social situations. Child development experts call it self-regulation, and kids need repeated practice to wallow in the ick of discomfort and frustration. Screens undermine this because they resolve discomfort immediately. Reaching for a screen every time a child is frustrated means that they miss the repetitions that the brain needs to build neural pathways for managing that discomfort independently. And self-regulation and emotional control are among the biggest cries of desperation that I hear from the field right now.

Yet screens aren’t only interfering with self-regulation. And screens aren’t only being used in times of parental survival. Studies consistently find that children under five are averaging between two and four hours of screen time daily, with many children significantly exceeding that range. And if you play the math out, a child who averages three hours of screen time per day from birth to age five will have spent approximately 5,475 hours in front of a screen before they ever set foot in a kindergarten classroom. That is roughly 228 full days. Nearly eight months of their entire first five years spent passively consuming content during the most critical window of brain development in their entire life. Sit with that.

Try This Tuesday: This week odds are incredibly high that your child will have a temper tantrum, toss down a battle royale meltdown, or bring shock and horror to you in public. Don’t get the device out. They will be confused. They are used to you distracting them with a device or phone. It will be hard on you and hard on them. But talk them through it in a calm voice. If needed, leave the situation. And within 24 hours, give them an opportunity to be in the same or similar situation and try it again. Let me know what happens. It might take a few times to turn the corner, but I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how quickly their developing brains can rewire and move toward stronger self-regulation.

See you next Tuesday for the next issue of The First Five with Dr. Kari Stubbs! And in the meantime, pop over to @drkaristubbs on Instagram to dive in deeper to self-regulation, practical screen swaps, and more.

I found out that I was pregnant with my first child while I was teaching third grade, and I went all in. Playing classical music during my drive across Kansas because it would begin the process of developing his numeracy talents? Yes. Reading to him the very night I brought him home from the hospital? Yes. Playing six foreign languages on cassette tape during my commute to school so that he wouldn’t miss out on the important window to pick up foreign languages more easily later? Yes. Rotating black and white pictures for his viewing pleasure and eye development during those care rides? Also yes.

At the time, a large percentage of our professional development at school focused on the science around brain development, and I was fascinated. Did you know that if you didn’t expose children to foreign languages within the first three years, the dendrites in the brain would wither and die making it much more difficult to learn new languages later in life. I learned the close tie, backed by science, between the cognitive development of numeracy to classical music and building with blocks and doing puzzles. I learned how important those early years were, based on brain science, to laying the foundation for future success.

My second child arrived 21 months after the first. The night we brought her home we again shared a bedtime story. My daughter in my arms, my son in the crook of my elbow, with a book of his choosing. It was the first of what would become thousands of shared stories read aloud, discussed, giggling at the funny parts, building up curiosity for what would come next. I had nearly two years of experience as a mom by now, and while I naively thought I might know what to expect, babies have a way of surprising you. The toys that had been my son’s favorites when he was an infant were not the expected instant hit by my little girl. Similarly, the infant toys that he’d tossed aside were the ones she was naturally drawn to. Bobby was obsessed with looking at the dangling Winnie the Pooh characters, Gracie couldn’t care less. Bobby loved the bouncy chair in the doorframe - it saved me when I needed to cook dinner. Gracie was completely offended that I would sit her in a chair, and I resorted to holding her - facing out - during evening meal prep.

I had two children under two, was teaching full time, and honestly just trying to keep my head above water. As a teacher, money was in limited supply and so I found lots of ways to expose my children to life experiences at a zero or no cost price point. Free story hour at the library - so that they could learn how to sit still and listen alongside peers. Painting with water on the side walk to build on both curiosity and the science of water but also tap into creativity. Meeting friends with similar aged children at the park so that they could burn a little energy, but also practice their gross motor skills and peer communication. Baking cookies together - a bonding activity filled with opportunities to apply math and cooperation - but with the ultimate purpose being to take them to our aging neighbors Alene and Arthur so that my children from a young age lived the values of compassion and kindness.

Time has passed. My children are grown now. And beyond savoring those early experiences as special memories, I’ve realized that my parenting stories are increasingly relevant to today’s parents. In large part that epiphany has come through my professional work. The past few years, I’ve been working alongside school district leaders on the growing range of student needs - behavioral, academic, social - when kids show up for kindergarten roundup. I remember quite specifically visiting an early childhood director in Ohio. She spoke passionately that children have always shown up to school with a range of needs, but that range was predictable on the continuum of X to Y. Her exact words were that since the pandemic it’s been the “wild west.” Children now show up with a drastic range of needs, and so many of them heightened beyond any degree previously seen in her 20 years of work.

The first five years of a child’s life is critical. I know that from my early learning around brain based research. I lived it as a parent and have watched the evidence of my parenting efforts appear in my adult children. But now as I see the overwhelming challenges across the nation, I realized that perhaps my parenting experiences, stories, and strategies could help this next generation to backwards map the kind of emotionally healthy, happy, caring children that they want to nurture.

See you next Tuesday for the next issue of The First Five! And in the meantime, pop over to @drkaristubbs on instagram for related content.